kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
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i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more