kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
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Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”