Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
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Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples