Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
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I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)