Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.