KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.