Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
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She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”
And that’s how the fight started
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I put the “ate” in chocolate.
If you draw a picture of a butthole on the questionnaire, there’s a 95% chance you’ll get out of jury duty.
Would be 100%. But, Texas.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do