Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
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tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
This fish is cracking me up
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.