Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

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I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.


[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over


Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….


Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?


Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.


COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?


Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.


Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.