“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
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I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.