KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

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Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.


cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did


“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”


I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.


Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.


Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!


Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?


Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented


retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?