Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Looking at you, Jesus.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?