KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
#dalle2
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.