@sofarrsogud

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

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@Spaziotwat

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

@SnarkyMommy78

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

@PhilJamesson

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

@spaceboyriley

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

@slimmy_shady

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

@chuuew

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

@imskytrash

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

@jbillinson

“Yes Mr. Trump, I took Joe’s pocket knife away and we’ll get you some new tires for that limo right away, but I can’t make him say sorry”

@GordoHelio

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..