I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
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*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Me- are you still mad at me?
*one minute later*
Me- What about now?
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
12: “Why don’t girls like playing dodgeball?”
Because we don’t like getting hit by balls.
12: *giggles for 5 minutes*
You are so my child
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
*gets drunk outside*
*gets drunk inside*
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t