@sofarrsogud

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

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@Dawn_M_

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

@GroovyTasia

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

@noneofyours99

Me- are you still mad at me?
CW- yes!!!

*one minute later*

Me- What about now?

@Gupton68

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

@SnizzleFrizzle

12: “Why don’t girls like playing dodgeball?”

Because we don’t like getting hit by balls.

12: *giggles for 5 minutes*

You are so my child

@1Badasspoolboy

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

@bazlyons

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive