KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
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My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*