*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
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Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
*you see a bear approaching you*
Quick play dead!
*bears comes running up*
Oh god! OH GOD! What’s happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?
In 1987 I became the first man to beat an IBM computer in a hotdog eating contest.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
It’s too human to go outside.
I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.
I do however, scream while doing so.
him: you know you aren’t supposed to use q-tips like that
me: *eating a bowl of q-tips covered in ranch* i’ll take my chances