You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.