KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did


i hate getting paid biweekly. i wanna get paid every day. actually i wanna get paid every hour. remind me hourly why i’m even here


A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.”


you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays


If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping


Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.


My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.


Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer


I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.