@ShortSleeveSuit

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

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@ClichedOut

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

@stuzario

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

@PinkCamoTO

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

@TheBoydP

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

@XplodingUnicorn

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!

Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around