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@ShortSleeveSuit: KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
@Phoebetate: I'm the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I'm dressed as a bean bag.
@LeBearGirdle: Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don't do that now
Me: okay once
@bobvulfov: [magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
@qwertying: I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.
Wife: What you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
@linkindrinkin: me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets