KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

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My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.


Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what


The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.


I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right


windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers


[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife


How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?


Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”


It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.