@ShortSleeveSuit

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

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@LeiaMarieG

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

@caseytduncan

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

@koalaslament

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

@KrangTNelson

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

@carlyken

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

@TheRolo

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

@anafabregagood

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

@NintenDom

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.