Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
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Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
the answer was staring at me all along
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.