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@: KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
@EnthonyRobbins: Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
@HumanPog: *gets to heaven*
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
@wilw: Dog: I like pizza. Me: You've never had pizza. Dog: It's food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I'm not giving you my pizza.
@EndhooS: Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
@AsgardianRose: Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.