KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
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Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
😅🤣😂
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
The sacred texts.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.