Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Spring cleaning checklist…
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.