@iwearaonesie: *kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
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@writerPT: 5yo: OMG I'M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I'M GONNA DIIIIIEE!! *eats 3 fries* 5yo: Can I be done?
@Fred_Delicious: [Duck support group] "After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day" *the other ducks nod sympathetically*
@dave_cactus: [first date with a skeleton] ME: So um... have you always been a skeleton? HER: No, in high school I was a- ME: Wait, no- HER: Skeleteen.