THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
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I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If we both go for the last slice of apple pie at the same time, I will bury my fork in your throat.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
*Claps along at an opera*
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.