*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
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massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…