KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
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HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account