KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
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I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is