Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
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Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating