I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
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Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”