Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
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the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Merica.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
🤣
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.