Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
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Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.