kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
You Might Also Like
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
March 16
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”