Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
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if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.