kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
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You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear