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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.


Me socialising: terrible.

Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.


KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…


[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho


When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.


Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.


At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.


Nelly: it’s getting hot in here

me: no it’s not

Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is

me: you have a fever


Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it