Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.