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@Angrea

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

@arwenlothbrok

Me socialising: terrible.

Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.

@AndyAsAdjective

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

@continentlbkfst

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

@MrFornicator

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

@SnarkyMommy78

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

@HeyZeus666

At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.

@pilau

Nelly: it’s getting hot in here

me: no it’s not

Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is

me: you have a fever

@vineyille

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it