kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
You Might Also Like
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
bad news gang
What if the weather talks about us?
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.