an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
When I watch The Walking Dead I can’t help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.
Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money
This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn.
racist frat dudes.. now ive seen everything.