@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

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@huntigula

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

@vanillavial

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

@BackrowSeats

When I watch The Walking Dead I can’t help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.

@mishakey

Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?

@CatsVsHumanity

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

@MoistPork

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

@grandpa

pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money

@elfy_scott

This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn.