Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
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“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better