Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

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Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that


Why is childbirth called “delivery” and not “take out?”


Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.


Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.


Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.


ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.


Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”


[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life


People say being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world, like they went out and really compared it to being a bear trainer or a magician or a murder clown.


Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade