Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
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Why is childbirth called “delivery” and not “take out?”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
People say being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world, like they went out and really compared it to being a bear trainer or a magician or a murder clown.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade