*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
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I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.