@ImLeslieChow

Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.

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@hyperblastchic

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

@Contwixt

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

@skedaddle74

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

@not_delicate

Sorry I jumped for joy, threw confetti and started popping bottles when you said you were going out for a little while.

My husband:

@AlmightyBored

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

@HomeProbably

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

@Hobo_Splendido

Her: Want to have sex?
Me: Yes
H: And maybe we can meet back here after?

@gerryhatric

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

@peteholmes

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

@AndrewNadeau0

{Watching movie where genius is filling whiteboards with math}
ME: *Trying to impress date* Ah. Yes. I see. Because he carried the one.