Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.

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Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*


When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.


To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.


Sorry I jumped for joy, threw confetti and started popping bottles when you said you were going out for a little while.

My husband:


During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.


Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.


Her: Want to have sex?
Me: Yes
H: And maybe we can meet back here after?


My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.


train me.
train me.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.


{Watching movie where genius is filling whiteboards with math}
ME: *Trying to impress date* Ah. Yes. I see. Because he carried the one.