I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
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Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Thrilling chase underway
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this