[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
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I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale