@FrazzleMyGimp

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

You Might Also Like

@tigersgoroooar

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

@JimMFelton

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

@Shesnotkiddin

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

@WheelTod

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

@garrydavenport

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

@AmishPornStar1

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

@joshgondelman

My girlfriend and I are thinking about adopting a dog because we’ve had no luck trying to have one naturally.

@dksc4life

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

@ShootyDoody

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.