@TommyKarate: How thin do you have to be to go skinny dipping?

@FillWerrell: I've never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

@iGreenMonk: When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm vegetarian."

@sixfootcandy: Him: "I've seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner." Me: "I usually don't cry...but these potatoes are just so awesome!"

@CorkyKneivel: GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened? ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand...