Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
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thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
tis the season
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.