Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

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I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.


Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.


If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong


Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.


Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.


Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself


One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone


If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.