[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
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*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
This January has 47 Mondays
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”