“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Feels
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.