Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
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waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
dam girl
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My inexpensive home security system…