Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
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Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit