wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
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Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Wanna get rich?
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