I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
You Might Also Like
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.