My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
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me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
britain’s three elite institutions
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”