*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn
*wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car
Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what’s for dinner.
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Morgan Freeman: I’m not losing my mind, I’m not losing my mind.
[Morgan Freeman voice]
He was though. He was losing his mind big time
Me: I should stop drinking
Me: I dunno
Me: You’re awesome when you drink
Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.