Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what’s for dinner.

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*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn
*wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car
*speeds off


Morgan Freeman: I’m not losing my mind, I’m not losing my mind.

[Morgan Freeman voice]
He was though. He was losing his mind big time


Me: I should stop drinking

Me: Why?

Me: I dunno

Me: You’re awesome when you drink

Me: Really?

Me: Yeah

Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright


Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?


Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.


What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!


“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein


If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.