@LittleMissAngr1

Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what’s for dinner.

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@topaz006

*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn
*wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car
*speeds off

@davidkenny100

Morgan Freeman: I’m not losing my mind, I’m not losing my mind.

[Morgan Freeman voice]
He was though. He was losing his mind big time

@CountGripsnatch

Me: I should stop drinking

Me: Why?

Me: I dunno

Me: You’re awesome when you drink

Me: Really?

Me: Yeah

Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright

@ArfMeasures

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

@Not0nDrugs

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

@meganamram

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

@pixelatedboat

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

@zacharyflynn

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.