My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
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Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating