Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
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[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
love it when they get my name right
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag