Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
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I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
called in thicc to work this morning
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge