Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
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Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
craving $300 all of a sudden
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.