Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
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Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.